The Final Straw

I think one of the biggest struggles I have with slowly approaching a small bit of notoriety online is knowing that, as a female, I’m going to have to have a much thicker skin than I would need if I was a bloke.

In normal day to day life, I’m used to getting heckled on the street. I was just trying to walk home the other night, and some bloke ran after me, tapped me on the shoulder and said ‘you look really good’.

I didn’t. It was raining, I was wearing my brother’s grey and dusty hoodie, and my tights were soaked through. My hair was lop-sided because I had nodded off on the train window and was still too bleary-minded to think about patting it down after nearly missing my stop.

He looked at me expectantly. He was about my age, maybe a little younger, handsome, had a phone in his hand with the caller ID still showing. He had interrupted his phone call to run after me.

“Er…okay??” I offered. “Thanks.”

His face twitched in slight anger.

“I’m saying you look good.” He repeated. He was really expecting something from me.

“I’m just walking home.” I said, turning to keep walking.

“Fine.” He spat. When I looked over my shoulder, he had his phone back to his ear and was stalking angrily back to the station.

When this kind of thing happens in real life, I always feel shaky afterward. And I think – should I have pretended to be grateful for his unsolicited attention? Am I supposed to feel like a real woman when some randomer offers me a compliment like that? Was he right in being pissed off that I didn’t instantly jump on him and shag him?

Shortly before I shut down Octav1us for a bit, and while I was having a Twitter strop about some cunt on Youtube comments saying I was just doing this for attention (because EVERYONE just puts 60+ hours into video editing for attention), someone sent me a DM. My DMs were still open at this time.

He had sent me a photo of a young, attractive, topless bloke taking a selfie in the mirror while holding a very shocked looking black pug puppy. I actually snorted when I saw it, so I replied ‘hahahaa, look at that pupper’. Then went back to being an emo bitch on my timeline.

When I checked back later, he had responded ‘now you 🙂 ‘. When I hadn’t replied, he had sent ‘ 🙁 ‘

Then he said he was wanking. And how I should too. Then there was a little emoji of a party popper. Then, about ten minutes later, ‘90% of your timeline is about sex. How come you got dumped? XD’

As I still didn’t reply, he wrote ‘slut’.

My brain didn’t think “this guy is a cunt, he’s trying to get me to sext with him, a total stranger, but then when I don’t do it that also makes me a whore anyway. Just move on, he’s a twat.” My brain actually thought, “Fuck. I am a whore. I responded to him in the first place, because the photo was hilarious, and I gave him the wrong impression. All those arty photos of me with my scars out, trying to be pretty, make me a total fucking whore. I should be ashamed.’

And I was.

And that’s the story of the final thing that made me stop wanting to do Octav1us. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I don’t know if I’m coming back. Before I do, I need a thicker skin. Because just knowing that this kind of people exist is exhausting, and upsetting, and I’m so weak.

8 thoughts on “The Final Straw

  1. I grew up loving to play music as a kid. to me this was so fun. as i got older people are saying “wanna-be rockstar” and worse, giving me beatings, rip offs, money grubbing, fame seeking. dreams can be different in reality than in our imaginings, some not worth the trouble. take care of yourself, keep your health and safety first. the world is beautiful, people can be kind, but the opposite is found too. many people with fame need security personnel. i would avoid dm’s from randoms. there are cam porn chat rooms to be found for people into that (girls are found there too), i’m sure you know this…
    you seem like a cool person and your videos were well researched and executed. you have a good singing voice too. sex sells; xoxo, xxx and so on are not my expertise, i avoid them like venereal disease. i continue to age, looks declining; creepy old man is not sexy in any way to me; strip clubs and rape culture exist, both sexes participating (willingly?). many things should be dropped in life. but karma is personal as well as universal on some levels, as i understand it. blessed be. keep dreaming, i hope you success and look forward to more from you. (how come this thing is all caps?)

  2. Hope I speak for a lot of people reading this when I say:

    This is a very saddening but perfectly reasonable reaction, and it doesn’t make you weak at all, just understandably sick of unpleasant idiots.

    I hope that you do return to making your gaming videos one day, because they’re genuinely funny and different and refreshing, but please don’t feel like you have to.

    Be well.

  3. Please don’t let arseholes like that stop you doing stuff you love in the long-term. Dialling back that side of Octav1us will probably get you less attention from twats like Mr. Wanky, but as you know from day-to-day life it won’t stop it all.

    There are always going to be cunts out there, but if you’re struggling with other issues in your life the last thing you need is to deal with shit like this when you’re doing something supposed to make you happy. Have a break and get yourself right without the pressure of Octav1us, or even if you will or won’t come back to it. You can always reinvent yourself and do whatever you want to do, so never feel like you’re a failure (whatever you may think, you’re still young as fuck with everything and anything ahead of you).

    Everything else aside, the fucking nerve of the prick to tell you, a stranger, that he’s having a wank and then call *you* a slut. The absolute fucking nerve.

  4. Yeah. Idiots like that are what make the internet suck!
    Its also Why a block fEature was Invented. Lol! I’ve blocked many users for being aSsholes and poisoning my hard work on my channel. At fIrst i felt a bit guilty, bUt now i don’t think twice. This is MY world, not yours right?
    Glad tO hear you are doing well!

  5. It’s sad to think this is the world we live in that people can be so horrid online. But the sad reality of it is that there is always someone sat somewhere behind a keyboard saying something online that they would never have the courage to do if the person they are targeting was in front of them. Cyber bulling is horrendous. I have had it myself in the past. the only way I could deal with it was to ignore it and remember that the person sending those messages have nothing in their life to make them feel worth while which is why they have to put someone down to make them feel that worth which is missing.

    If you can get your mental way of thinking where the internet is concerned then anything you read can not hurt you. If any of that makes sense… I have a TENDENCY to ramble on when trying to be helpful and to get my point across.

    I felt really bad for you when reading this post. The sad fact is if you look at both the SCENARIOS YOU DISCUSSED BOTH WERE MALE AND LIKED YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN. iN BOTH INSTANCES WHEN THE PEOPLE DIDN’T GET THE RESPONSE THEY WANTED THEY REACTED WITH ANGER TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL LIKE THEY WERE THE BETTER PERSON. tHEY WEREN’T YOU WERE… PLUS THE bLOCK BUTTON DOES COME IN VERY HANDY ONLINE…. SHAME YOU CAN’T HAVE ONE IN REAL LIFE.. SAYING THAT MY WORLD WOULD BE VERY SMALL IF IT WAS… aLMOST EVERYONE WOULD BE GOING ROUND WITH A bLOCKED SPEECH BUBBLE ABOVE THEIR HEADS… NOW THAT WOULD BE AN AMUSING SIGHT.

  6. Really enjoying learning about yhis side of you Sarah. I hope you keep making vidEos. They’re brillianT!

  7. Sorry you had to go through that shit, sarah. That’s people on the internet for you. Or people in general…

    Men call women whores and sluts and whatever to make themselves feel better about themselves. It’s them projecting their own insecurities ONTo women, so don’t take it personally, challenging as that may be.

    You’re not oblieged to do what men want just because of the organ you were BORN with between your legs. IF people don’t like your decisions or the way you act on youtube, that’s their problem. Block the idiots online and in the real world just keep walking and forget about them. They aren’t worth your time.

  8. In very rare special cases, I have literally walked up to a woman, excused myself, and told them I just wanted to tell them I thought they were gorgeous / in great shape, whatever. I made sure I would position myself as non-threateningly as possible, very side on, not blocking their path or anything. They would say thank you, and I would wish them well and leave them with a smile on their face. That was the whole intention from the start. It can be done. I can’t reverse-engineer what’s going on in the head of the guy at the start of your story.

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