The Begining of the End (TRIGGER WARNING – account of abuse)

This has been one of those weeks. It’s been hard. I’ve been at the bottom of a pit. And honestly, I have no idea what to do.

 

Continues after the jump...(trigger warning)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I was about 7 years old – I think I was nearly 8 – I woke up in the middle of the night because there was a penis in my mouth.

The owner of said penis is now, I was told on Tuesday morning, in hospital after having suffered a serious stroke.

I have relived waking up to that bizarre taste so many times in my dreams. I often have nightmares that I was in a relationship with him. I wake up feeling sick, I wake up feeling like a whore.

I can’t think of how may aspects of my life were directly affected by that man, now in his 60s, in a hospital bed. Most notably, my relationships with men. I grew up thinking every man would want to put his hand on my vagina (which he did a couple of times) and make me play “Find the Snake” by asking me to put my hand in his jeans (this happened a few times – I remember vividly it happening while my mother was sat mere metres away watching and sipping a Bacardi and Coke, laughing).

The very day after he put his penis in my mouth and then, when I rolled away still pretending to be asleep, made me fondle it with my exposed hand, I told my mum.

Nothing happened. She stayed with him. Which meant I was doomed to live with him for half the week, every week.

When I started my period when I was 13, I was fucking mortified. I thought that meant that this man would find me sexually attractive again. Very quickly, I started to cover up my pre-teen body. By the time I was 15, I was never showing more than my face and hands, dressed in baggy mens’ clothing and rarely left the house but to go to school – where, of course, I was very much an outcast. I identified as a male – partly because I did feel like I should have been born as one, and partly because I figured my mum’s boyfriend wouldn’t be attracted to me.

I remember feeling like a slut and a whore *because* I was female. I remember feeling my skin burn with shame every time I saw an attractive female on TV or on a perfume ad, because I knew I had a body like that underneath my clothes and I was terrified any men would find out.

When I had my first relationship, no surprise it was emotionally abusive. He had his own considerable issues, but he did not allow me to wear makeup or wear even slightly revealing clothing. He often said I looked like a slut and if he thought I had even talked to a male friend he would flip his lid. I remember one time I was buying lunch for him (he rarely bought when we went to dinner) and I had zoned out. He thought I was staring at the arse of a waiter. I hadn’t even noticed the waiter, but my God, was I in a lot of trouble. But I accepted it. I thought this was the best I deserved.

This boyfriend knew about what had happened to me. He told me that most people who were interfered with as children become paedophiles themselves.

From that point on, every time I tried to ditch this guy he said he was going to tell the police about the time that I had called him, drunk and coked off my tits, crying because I was terrified that I was going to become a paedophile.

At around the 2 year point of our relationship and countless attempts from me to get rid of him (he often pretended to kill himself when I did), I ditched him for what I thought was for good. As an incredibly vulnerable 20-year-old who was cutting herself on a daily basis, and still unofficially living with my mum and her partner, I had a kiss with one of my colleagues and when I told my ex out of guilt, he said he was going to tell the police about my mum’s boyfriend.

So I went back into that relationship with him for two more years. I was miserable. I felt like I deserved it. I was a slut, a whore, I had kissed my friend while single and I deserved what happened to me when I was little.

This entire time, the man who had inappropriately touched me as a little girl was still very much a part of my life. I had come to accept it. I didn’t forgive him, and being around him made my skin crawl. I used to tense up every time I heard footsteps outside my bedroom door in the middle of the night. But he was getting old and I was starting to feel sorry for him.

I finally dumped the ex by text when he said I had an incestuous relationship with my father. I hope he is doing well now. I understand he has got married and has a kid, and now works as a mental health professional.

I do entirely blame staying so long in that relationship on my mother choosing her partner over me after I told her what he had done to me. If your own mother doesn’t want you, you genuinely believe you don’t deserve anyone else. And the bonus cherry on the shit sundae is that you feel like a complete and utter slut purely for having a boyfriend at all.

There have been a few times that I have been sexually assaulted by other people, and truly I believe I *allowed* them to happen because I *didn’t want to offend or upset the people that were doing it, and because I deserved it*

  • age 17, followed by two men on a tube train who wouldn’t fuck off until I let one of them kiss me and take his number before I jumped the fuck into the closing doors of the next train.
  • Age 22, sat on an entirely empty bus when a middle-aged bloke sat next to me, rubbed his leg hard against mine, squashed me up against the wall of the bus while staring at his phone.
  • Age 25, after drinking with a friend, he insisted he get me back in my flat even though I kept saying no – him pinning me down on the bed while I was crying and begging him to stop, him eventually getting off without penetrating me and telling me how much he wanted to date me.
  • Age 28 and in London, I narrowly escaped being raped by a guy I had stupidly accepted a lift home from because he spent more than half an hour standing with me at the bus stop convincing me to get in his car.

That latter incident was the first one where I thought – no, I didn’t deserve that. My body doesn’t belong to anyone else. He was arrested. I was asked to stand trial.

I eventually declined because I was too scared. I had my breakdown at work shortly afterwards and had to quit my career.

To this day, at the age of 30, I can still count my sexual partners on one hand. All of them were relationships – or, in the case of one, what I *thought* was a relationship.

And I *still* feel like a whore about that.

I haven’t ever been allowed to enjoy the act of sex because of what some fuck knuckle felt like he was entitled to do when I was just a little girl. I have always felt, in some bizarre way, that anyone that tries to sexually assault me is blameless. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault.

And now, the first man to ever touch me in a sexual way might be dying. 

I haven’t talked to my mum in 8 years. She knows exactly what happened. But she has no-one else but him. I’m terrified for her. I hate the thought of her being alone. As someone who is very fucking lonely myself, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else.

I thought about visiting. But what would that achieve?

For the last four days I have done nothing but lie in bed, and drink. I’m angry. I’m angry that something that happened so long ago had such a HUGE impact on my life. I’m angry that there are many people in the world being abused as children right now. I’m angry that I know that what he did to me wasn’t as bad as it could have been – I mean, he never actually raped me – and there’s adults in the world who were full on molested and seem to be able to cope with life perfectly fine. So why can’t I?

I feel like my YouTube persona of Octav1us is the person I would have been were it not for the above chain of incidents. A happy, chirpy, sexually comfortable woman proud of her gender and proud of everything good that she does. Delighted to bring a smile to other people’s faces and delighted to bring a smile to her own. And I still want to be that person. I really, really do.

This was a rant, more to get this shit out of  my head than anything. And I know full well it opens me up to yet more abuse from the disgusting fucks the internet harbours. But I suppose if at least one person relates to my story and doesn’t feel alone, then I won’t feel alone either.

And please – if you ever, EVER find yourself even CONSIDERING even slightly touching a child in the wrong way, please please get help. It might be a laugh for you, but that kid will grow into a fucked up adult. And it’s not fair.

I hope he recovers from the stroke purely for my mum’s sake.

 

 

13 thoughts on “The Begining of the End (TRIGGER WARNING – account of abuse)

  1. IT TOOK SOME REAL GUTS TO DESCRIBE what you’re going through. I don’t know if I could do it.

    I too suffer from depression. While mine stems from more from survivors guilt and abuse of a different sort I have often confronted a feeling of LONLINESS and self loathing that has long hampered my life. While I try desperately to hide that from others, and have been somewhat successful at it, the pain I feel has made making friends or having a relationship difficult. Despite those problems I do manage to carry on in part because I have finally established some good friends that remind me that some people really do care about me even if I still doubt it from time to time.

    for what it’s worth there are quite a number of people out there that care about you. I’ve enjoyed many of the videos you’ve posted on youtubE and used to love seeing you on Barshens. You make videos that bring happiness to people and you do that despite your inner turmoil. you’ve made the world just that little bit better and certainly you are worth far more than THE JERKS THAT DO NOTHING BUT CAUSE MISERY AND pain. It angers me that good people like yourself have to deal with depression and loneliness while people that never once helped a single person but themselves can feel fine.

    Anyway, I hope something I said can be of some comfort as when I’ve felt that bad I wish I could have been comforted by someone that could understand just how bad I felt. That would say sorry with the slightest inkling of SINCERITY. To just hear someone say I care about you and not just want something in return. If I didn’t find the friends I have now I couldn’t be saying this to you now.

    Please take care of yourself as you deserve to take care of yourself.

  2. you poor, poor creature. I suppose there’s nothing anyone can say to make it better, but FWIW nobody with a shred of decency about them will think any the worse of you; quite the reverse. I hope you have help from professionals who know what they’re doing, and I hope you have friends you can call, and that you will call them. Be well

  3. Holy fuck, I just want to say I’m so sorry that you have gone through all of that. No one deserves that sort of treatment. The fact that you’ve not only dealt with that, survived and have continued to thrive is a testament to your strength and amazingness. I can’t imagine the utter hell that you’ve been through but I hope you can at least take some solace in the fact that at least one idiot on the internet fully supports you and is rooting for you to succeed. Not only on YouTube but in life. If anyone deserves to live easy it is you after all the horrors you’ve not only survived but to continue to live despite the trauma it’s caused.

  4. That’s awful, I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such a rotten time. It’s a credit to yourself that you still have the capacity to care about other people after the things they’ve Done to you.

    getting this message Out there will help others feel less isolated, well done for being brave.

    I’m a new subscriber drawn in by the granny’s garden video. Sweet memories of that and Geordie Racer. Thanks and Keep up the good work!
    .

  5. THAT’S AWFUL, I’M SORRY TO HEAR YOU’VE HAD SUCH A ROTTEN TIME. IT’S A CREDIT TO YOURSELF THAT YOU STILL HAVE THE CAPACITY TO CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE AFTER THE THINGS THEY’VE DONE TO YOU.

    GETTING THIS MESSAGE OUT THERE WILL HELP OTHERS FEEL LESS ISOLATED, WELL DONE FOR BEING BRAVE.

    I’M A NEW SUBSCRIBER DRAWN IN BY THE GRANNY’S GARDEN VIDEO. SWEET MEMORIES OF THAT AND GEORDIE RACER. THANKS AND KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!

  6. I’ve been reading (oh wow, this font is in all caps, that’s great)… reading and watching vids and articles to do with various mental health issues, due to my current partner having asperges & depression, and myself having ADHD.

    When you said Octav1us is who you would be if it wasn’t for what happened, it made me think of something I saw today. It was for people who have a hard time getting things done, if at least they do a little part of that thing, or they’re doing it slowly, at least it’s a step in the right direction, and not to get down about the fact that it’s only a small part, because it’s better than being down about it and as a result, not doing anything at all.

    I would like to think it’s relevant to your Octav1us character in some way. At least the world can see that girl you want to be, it’s the reason I watch your videos. In fact I had your “Witches house” episode playing in the living room on the big TV while my housemates were doing the washing etc. and they were laughing out loud at your comments on the events, and even came over to watch it 🙂 I was so glad they discovered you and found you as funny as I did. They’re girls and I’ve got them into gaming, and I think it’s cool for them to see a prominent female youtuber who’s also into games.

    I really hope that performing your Octav1us character has some positive effect on you. It certainly does to everyone else 🙂

    BTW, I have an alter ego too, it’s Domarius 😉

  7. just came here from your latest Yt video, had no idea you even had a blog. i just want to offer my sincerest support and admiration for you having been through so much. i had no idea. i realise i sound like a creepy stalker here, being a yt fan and a patreon, a twitch sub and all, but honestly, if you ever need to talk, feel free to hit me up. (i’m in a happy relationship and have 3 kids- there is no ulterior motive here, i just want to help someone who has helped me)

    in the meantime, please try and keep your chin up and your head held high. you are not defined by your past, or the actions of others, but by the person you are today. and that person is awesome.

  8. Sarah,

    Just reiterating what you probably already know… You don’t owe him or your mom anything in this situation, and anything you do beyond “nothing” is going far, far above and beyond on your part.

    No one deserves to have to have such a weight placed on them as a child and the fact that you’re still here and can laugh is proof that you’ve Bourne it well. Keep moving, keep fighting, keep telling the darkness to eff off. there’s a lot of people cheering for you out there.

  9. A young girl should never have to go though your pains and abuse. Never think that it Was your fault, because its not.

  10. Jesus. I knew you had mental health problems, thanks to you talking about them (which is awesome btw, I guarantee you’ve helped others with that openness) but never imagined why or how deeply they’d affected your life ever since.

    You are enormously entertaining and I love how insane Octav1us is. Keep doing what makes you happy and sharing whatever helps you feel slightly better about things.

    That guy will die soon. I can’t pretend karma works like people wish it did, and I don’t believe in an afterlife so he won’t be going to hell, but he will cease to be and i hope that gives you some closure.

    The world is full of such awful people but there are good ones too and you represent the positivity that can come from darkness. You deserve happiness too and I hope you find someone that respects your issues and makes you feel safe, beautiful, loved, and sexy without the guilt!

    Thanks again for your hilarious and informative content and for your openness about everything.

    Rock on!

  11. No one deserves what you have been through; how someone could do what they do to another person is beyond me.

    I’ve been carrying my ‘story’ with me for over 20 years and didn’t tell a soul; I know first hand how it can eat away at you. Until now I didn’t know where your pain came from, but I felt it.

    There is something in your honesty and the way that you talk that has helped me reach out to my GP, a support group and tell people about my ‘story’.

    Octav1us(Sarah) you are a strong person, it takes strength to be able to talk, and we love you for being you.

  12. Your story makes me sad, but in a good way.

    Let me explain.

    When I was 7-8 years old, I was raped by a teenager at my church. For years, I struggled with that event. I hated him for what he did. I hated myself for letting it happen (I was 7, for Pete’s sake). The few people I told were either unhelpful or called me gay. I wasn’t – I liked women (which, BTW, was how this man lured me in – he had magazines that showed me what women really looked like and, being a curious 7-year-old, I wanted to know). But that accusation made me hate all gay men. I mean, really hate them. As in me saying “we should cure AIDS by putting all the gays on an island and blowing it up” hate. I was quite the bastard about the issue.

    God and time, however, changed me. I grew up, let go of my general hate (recognizing it was borne out of protecting myself), and eventually letting go of my specific hate towards the guy who did it. I let go of my fear and blame and understood that what happened was not my fault. I’ve got a great marriage with a great woman who understands where I’ve come from. I’ve worked with kids and adults who’ve been through similar stuff, and sharing our journey is a really good, helpful experience. It hurts, but knowing you’ve made it though to the other side means it’s a hurt in the past. That person can’t hurt you anymore. You are in control of your life and you can choose to walk away.

    And that includes walking away from the abuse cycle. While statistics show that those who’ve been abused are more likely to abuse, we can also choose to not do so. I’d be willing to bet money that the man who abused you was abused as a child. He won’t ever talk about it, but he sure felt it was OK to pass that on to you. You feel differently. You have no intention of passing it on. And so, the cycle breaks. Good on you. You’ve made so many changes and those changes are going to have massive positive results for the future.

    You’re strong. You’ve got this.

  13. You are loved. Just remember that.

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