[Sad Post] What Do I Mean when I Say I’m Suicidal

The first time I had serious thoughts about taking my own life, I was 15. I wasn’t expecting to do it, but I remember one evening sat in my bedroom thinking about what would be the easiest way to do it.

School was a nightmare for me. I had reached that age where sexuality starts to rear it’s awkward, spotty crest but I was adamant on wearing only baggy, dark clothes because I was utterly terrified of being found attractive. I had already experienced unwarranted sexual intimacy on a few occasions at the age of 8. The man responsible was still very much in my life. I tried to de-sexualise myself in my early teens to prevent him from doing it again, and I genuinely thought any other man – including the ones in my family – were highly likely to do it if they realised I had now developed breasts.

By refusing to allow puberty to give me a sexual awakening and distancing myself from both male and female classmates, I was incredibly alone. And when you’re incredibly alone, you think about death. A lot.

I played video games as a release, and whenever I thought about killing myself or myself dying, I would always fantasise how it would be in a video game. Cloud and Barret, having come to be very fond of me while helping them save the planet from ShinRa, would cry in anger when Sepiroth speared my body – obviously, after I had heroically pushed Aeris out of the way.  After battling Metal Gear REX, Snake would be inconsolable that the injuries sustained during the battle would kill me, lying in his arms. In every scenario, I would always fantasise of there being a big parade in my honor. And I would play out these fantasies a lot – on the way to school, during classes, sat by myself in the library at lunch break.

I came across as weird to everyone else in college. When 18th birthdays started coming round, literally everybody else in the year would be invited except for me. Those nights were another time I thought about killing myself – again, fantasing about video game characters that I had often created stories and narratives about in my head, imagining how gutted they would be. Because god knew none of my classmates would care.

Since the age of 18 when I made an active attempt to kill myself the first time, I have tried to hang myself, cut myself to death, and taken multiple overdoses. Every single time I have ended up in hospital, being forced to down a bottle of this charcoal stuff they give you if you’ve taken an overdose but it’s too late to get your stomach pumped, or with a nurse helping me wash off the dried blood all over my legs and my stomach. One time I was sent to a safe house.

Each time I am utterly humiliated, but the thing that sticks out to me most is that each time, after the initial attempt, it was usually me that called an ambulance. There’s always that drop for me from absolute complete and utter despair to a sort of mild agony that appears only after I’ve hurt myself badly, a mild agony that is bearable enough for me to pick up the phone.

In September 2017, I saw the man responsible for what happened when I was 8 for the first time in 6 years. I thought I would handle it alright, but I didn’t. With the breakdown of my relationship and the fact that I wasn’t able to get a job, it would be the first trigger that I was not able to successfully push through for about 3 years. I got home to my flat, I filled my bath with water, and I gently placed a craft knife on the bath’s edge.

I must have been sat there for a good half hour, readying myself to get into the bath. I had my phone on the side too, with the intention of calling an ambulance with my last breaths to prevent my loved ones stumbling on me weeks after the deed. Honestly, I was going to do it. Or was I? Was I really going to do it?

I picked up the phone. I called my brother. I didn’t do it.

The fact that I am still here is usually enough for naysayers to tell me I’m not suicidal at all.  But you don’t have to kill yourself to be suicidal. You don’t even have to get to the point where you are standing on the edge of a railway bridge to be suicidal.

I am scared of dying. But very often, I don’t want to be alive. But the fact I haven’t succeeded, and I always come back from it, tells me that there is a burning want to stay alive and enjoy life *somewhere* inside me. The day that burns so bright that I can see it will be a good day.

I’m sorry for the serious post. And honestly, I’m so unstable that I can’t give advice to anybody reading this who is experiencing the same feelings. But I hope that in some small way, you can see that you are not alone.

15 thoughts on “[Sad Post] What Do I Mean when I Say I’m Suicidal

  1. I’m very sorry you had to deal with such a difficult and personal conflict. i too have been in many situations where i have wanted to die only to later be afraid of death. depression is still vastly misunderstood by people who have never been clinically diagnosed. those people don’t understand that depression, including being suicidal, is not something you magically cure or get over with therapy or medication. it’s a constant battle with your own mind to not go to the dark places it tends to dwell.

    Thank you for sharing.

  2. Hey Sarah.

    I don’t know what would be a helpful comment here because i can’t ever hope to understand what you’re going through (and for that i am extremily fortunate).

    I do know that i am not alone in wishing there was something I could say or do to help. There are a growing family of people and fans from Patreon/YouTube/Twitter who really adore you; in that regard you are not alone and there are plenty of us who do care.

    As always i wish you all the best.

    Love,
    Matt xxx

  3. I can totally relate to this post having suffered with depression in my younger years and as someone who bears the scars of self-harm. Suicidal thoughts are a really tough thing to deal with because they can be a valid coping mechanism. Thinking and fantasizing about your own suicide can help you to satisfy and alleviate some of the pain you are feeling inside. For me, it comforted me to know that I had a way out of things; convincing myself that I was capable of committing suicide would allow me to suck up more pain because I had assured myself that I could end that pain whenever I wanted to if it became too unbearable. But how do you distinguish between using the thoughts to cope and actually planning, preparing yourself for your own death? Therein lies the problem with suicidal thoughts. It’s especially difficult if you’ve ever self-harmed because you know, deep down, that you are capable of destroying yourself. It’s difficult to explain to someone who hasn’t self-harmed, but past experiences of damaging your own body make suicide more plausible.
    I’m 38 as of writing this and my last ‘out of control’ episode was when I was 31 or so? It’s a long, hard, painful battle to try and control depression, but age and experience will give you more tools to fight it with. The only advise I can give you, Sarah, is to keep fighting and surviving. Use every coping mechanism you have learnt up until now, and remember one thing: bad coping mechanisms only exist in hindsight. Do anything you need to do to survive! No ifs, no buts. Anything that takes the edge off the pain is fine. When you get enough distance from your depression you’ll be able to look back and say you did what you had to do to survive.
    Depression is a very personal thing, so your gonna have to fight your own particular demon alone, but we’ll be in your corner between rounds. You’re not alone. And that goes for anyone else reading Octy’s Blog.

  4. In 2013, my brother committed suicide. He was 23. It wasn’t the first time he had tried, but it was the first (that we knew of) after things had started turning around for him for the better.

    All the support in the world didn’t take away how he felt. Even though he had support, it wasn’t enough. He believed that the world would be better without him in it. I don’t wish to speak ill of the dead, but he was wrong. The world has been immeasurably worse without him in it.

    Aside from my own Traumatic recollections of being told the news, and speaking at his funeral (where a ton of people showed up to pay their respects), I’m always thinking about the games we’ll never get to play, the films we’ll never get to watch, the Christmases we’ll never spend together (he was a master with streaky bacon!)

    It’s not always the big things. It’s thinking about all the little impacts he made on us that makes it so much harder.

    What losing him has done is made me very protective whenever I see someone struggling with suicidal thoughts. If I can make a small difference, I will. A joke, a hug, a nod to let them know I’m there. Anything at all. Because we’re all powerless to stop what’s in someone else’s head – but there’s always the hope that if we can show you the world is better with you in it, that’s a good place to start.

    Thank you for sharing. I’m glad you didn’t go through with it. And if there’s anything anyone can ever do to make you feel that the world is better with you in it, grab it with both hands and don’t let go 🙂

  5. First, I am Spanish and I apologize for my English, I use automatic translator. All throughout life we have our portion of shit, the only thing that can be done is that when you get dirty, clean and not stay stinking forever, the past is useless, is a zero, is air, is nothing, there is only present and future , and the future cannot be stinking with the smells of the past. The success is something relative, the real success is that you are well with yourself, all you want, sooner or later you will have, as long as they are real things, life is a Ferris wheel, sometimes these up and others down, you have to keep spinning and enjoy when you touch , and cry when it also touches. I have 40 years, before drank and drugged, not now, that gives an incredible strength, I have also had many tragedies, but I have spared, but if I could not, I would have considered asking for professional help. Why do I write? I don’t know you, but I like your videos, you’re cool, and if I can help someone cool, then better

  6. Hi OK,
    You’re definitely not alone. I stumbled across your blog after watching a nostalgia nerd video on YouTube.

    I had hideous abuse as a child and reading your blog took me back (in a good way) to the happy release of videogames (& why I’m still obsessed with them!)

    My marriage broke down in 2016 due to underlying problems of childhood abuse 🙁 but there is hope… Firstly, you are definitely not alone 🙂 and there are organisations that can help. I found one called napac last year who helped and put me into group therapy (not as hideous as it sounds!) With 10 others, we are all lifelong friends now and if you ever want to chat drop me a line, reach out, you never know what random THIng might help 🙂

    Big love and I might watch your YouTube channel now 😉

    Not sure if you will ever contact Me but I can tell you more about napac, it’s worth doing 🙂

    PS. I’m not sure why this is all caps?! My email is in the post submission…

  7. PPS… I don’t work for Napac ha ha 🙂 that post sounds like I DO!

    Honestly though absolutely no pressure to get in touch but here if it can help you. I do also realise that you probably THINKING, crazy internet random person is trying to help 😉

    Happy to chat by email etc. Look after you (that tends to be jettisoned in abused as children adults).

    Ta-ra for now 🙂

  8. My advice for when you’re in a suicidal state; don’t be alone, get someone to be with you, or be with someone you trust, being alone when you’re thinking of suicide is one of the worst possible things that anyone could do.

    I’m going to admit to something here I have never told anyone since my breakdown in 2005, I thought about suicide. My life was worthless in my view, I’d lost my eldest brother the previous year, whose funeral was amazing, he’d amassed so many friends that the town was inundated with them in a huge procession from church to cemetery, I on the other hand, had no friends (I still don’t to be honest), I was working 6 days a week for fuck all pay, I’d get home and just collapse in a heap because I was so tired, Sundays I just slept away so had no real “free time”, I was living in a crappy house that I hated but had no choice but to stay there, I had little money or understanding of money, I had few possessions, I had no social life, I had no one to be with.

    Then my breakdown happened. I locked the door, shut the curtains, ripped the battery from my mobile, and ended up sleeping in a tent in the living room for a few weeks, I don’t know why, and it was at that time when I considered topping myself. I had it planned out, I lived near a canal that I loved to walk along, there was the tunnel on there with a decent bit of height from the wall at the top, and the canal below. I was going to load up my rucksack with heavy objects, walk to the tunnel during the night, sit on the wall, and push myself off backwards, the weight on my back being there to pull me to the bottom.

    I thought about it for days, and one night, I walked to the tunnel, but didn’t take my rucksack, I just sat on the bench over the tunnel and just cried for a while thinking of what I had planned to do, what would have happened afterwards, who would have found me, and so-on, and I just sat there for hours through the night, and watched the sun come up the following morning. I went home and actually slept in my bed for the first time since I’d set up that damned tent.

    It wasn’t long after that day that I ended up accepting I had a problem with depression and seeing the doc about treatment, and he was useless, didn’t ask the right questions, didn’t send me off for counselling, just scribbled off a prescription and sent me on my way. Put me on Escitalopram, which my current doc says I should never have been put on as a first-stage treatment, but my former doc was an incompetent fool. I hated it, miss one pill and I felt like I was stuck on a spinning office chair that I couldn’t get off from, I had issues with using the toilet, I couldn’t sleep properly, and it caused “intimacy issues” (the sort that would be useful in a relationship, but not on my own).

    It also made me too reckless. The following year I ended up having a 2 month relationship with a woman 14 years older than me (I was 20 at the time), who was already with someone else, and who, frankly, wasn’t that attractive. I kept pushing for her to leave “him” and be with me, she wouldn’t, and when it dawned on me that I was just “a bit on the side”, I ended up sending intimate pictures she’d sent me to someone on the internet. I regret that stupid decision to this day as it really hurt her, and as a result hurt me, and made me look like a complete dickhead. I’ve not had another relationship since not even a one-night stand.

    I ended up stopping cold-turkey on the tablets a few years later, the months that followed were awful, the withdrawal symptoms were just plain nasty, and left me worse off after than I was before. Very emotional, getting upset at the stupidest things (such as trying to talk enthusiastically about something I liked & enjoyed, and I’d get choked up and wanted to burst into tears), confidence was gone, anxiety shot through the roof, and I became completely withdrawn from life. I went on like this until last year when after losing a tribunal for ESA (for a sleep disorder I have plus the depression & Anxiety), the suicidal thoughts returned, the lack of self-worth hit hard, debts started rising, and I just wanted to end this life.

    Again, I realised I needed help once more, and spoke to my current doc (far, far better than my former one), back on the meds, this time it was Citalopram, similar to the Escitalopram, but not as “in your face”. They kind of worked, but, not enough. Beginning of March I went back to see what could be done (whilst also getting treatment for my back, after injuring it while putting a Bloo thing in the toilet, yes, seriously, I slipped a disc doing a mundane task!!), and he upped my dose to double, and, that wasn’t good. First day on them, I slept all the way through, the days that followed, I dozed through the majority of the days, and after two weeks I’d had enough, went back, and he put me on Sertraline, which has helped me a lot.

    That was a week ago, and the difference, it’s amazing, it’s like the lead weights holding me down have been cut loose. Yes there are still moments where I’m down in the pits of misery, but, it doesn’t last that long, but, in my view, it’s better than wanting to take my life.

    If you made it this far in my waffling about my life Sarah, I’ll repeat what I said at the beginning, if you’re feeling suicidal, don’t be alone, we’re all there thinking of you when you’re down, but, have someone with you to keep you safe. With your humour intellect and ability to entertain, you’re priceless, you’re worth more than you realise, you are in my books, an absolute star… 🙂

  9. Hey sarah,

    Not going to post a long reply as i STRUGGLE to STAY coherent for as long as I’d LIKE.

    Just wanted to say that i recently subscribed TO your content on THE YouTube’s and I’m struck by how Genuinely nice you seem.

    You’ve obviously had a rough time in the past, but I’D like to say that im so glad that YOU’VE taken the time to share this!

    I’m really grateful for all your efforts, but please DON’T feel that this should pressure YOU into trying to ‘keep UP’

    We’d all much RATHEr have a happy sarah than more OCTAVIUs!! (If that doesn’t sound wierd).

    Keep on keeping on 😀

  10. Hey Sara,

    I just want to say this. I have been in a place you are with the thoughts of suicide. When I was 17 I thought long and hard about taking my own life, but instead started going to see a therapist. While he was an awful one, he did help me to realize that there was something in life to offer. Over the last few years of my life suicide has reared it’s ugly head more than once. My father tried to take his own life on three separate occasions (two of them in the same day), my ex girlfriend took her own life in 2016 via a gunshot wound to the throat, and one of my friends took his life two weeks after he had helped me find my wallet on Halloween night after it had fallen out of my pocket at a bar. I do still suffer from a form of emotional depression to this day that is getting better in some ways and worst in others. I just want to say that your work has often brought a smile to my face and laughter to mouth from your videos and humor. That being said, Anytime you say your going away from making Octavius videos for you health I wish you well. I would rather see you be happy and healthy above all else. I love Octavius, but if you chose to give up the character permenantly, I, as well as much of your fan base, would understand and support you because if it meant your well being and mental health we’d all rather see a Happy Healthy Sara. We’re cheering for you and we all love you.

    May the ZX Spectrum be With You
    Andrew

  11. I’ve been binge watching your videos of late and I have the say they’ve BROUGHT me great AMUSEMENT at a time when i’ve been very much “Down a hole” (unemployed for 5 MONTHS, despite being a linux guY with 18y of experience in IT, yay IT hiring practices!) and you (both the you person and Octavius the character part of you) seem like a WONDERFUL lass, you’ve CERTAINLY brightened my days!

    I know how it feels to be so down you don’t see your own value,that point when you don’t even know what the point is though i’ve never reached the point of being suicidal (but for me that is a matter of sheer bloody mindedness), though even when i’ve failed to see my own value i’ve had that voice in the back of my head telling me i’m being an idiot(being smart *never* means you can’t be stupid! :D), The thing to remember at the end of the day is that there is always someone who loves you, SOMEONE who’ll be there for you and if you look a little harder you’ll almost always find there are more than you think, for me the problem has INCREASINGLY been making connections with people, But the same is of course not TRUE for everyone, The only thing you can do is soldier on and refuse to CONCEDE defeat to your own demons and try to recognise just how BASELESS our own doubts are!

    Stay with us ok 🙂

  12. Thanks for BEIng brave enough to share your experiences, sarah (and everyone else who has posted here). People who HAVEN’t hit rock bottom don’t understand what it’s like to not want to suffer anymore, to not be able to cope with the shit life throws at us sometimes, and to want to take any means necessary to escape that pain.

    I’Ve thought about it many times as recent as this year but only ever tried to take my life once due to issues with abuse and violence in highschool, issues with friends and relationships, and issues at HOMe. And yet, even in that dark moment, i found something to hold onto (my family, which seems really strange to me now).

    Its important to remember that even in our lowest moments, there are still GOOD things to hold onto. For me, it has always been about gaining some perspective on my situation, taking a step back and seeing that although my current situation seems impossible to overcome, THere are other good things to hold onto. I know that might sound trite to some, but therapy has helped me come to see that this struugle and suffering, as overwhelmingly soul-crushing as it can be, is actually a prompt for inner growth and that we become better by working through it. Again, that might sound trite to some, but it has helped me live somewhat of a normal life despite all the traumas i’ve suffered through. For me, my creative writing and art have been great releases for those dark moments and helped cope with my suffering. I HOPe anyone reading this can benefit from art or whatever techniques work for you. Just remember, we are all unique and have our own journeys OF self-discovery to undertake. We all have an inner wealth that others might not recognise and that may take time to recognise in ourselves, but it exists if we are patient and willing enough to unearth it.

    In doing your videos, sarah, you have revealed the brightness within you that exists despite all the awful shit it sounds like you’ve been through. I hope you remember that if you ever feel the need to harm yourself again. I hope its something to hold onto when all hope is lost. You’ve touched the lives of many people.

  13. I just wanted to come here to also say to anyone reAding that you’re not alone.

    I very recently stUmbled onto your YouTube videos (and now this blog) because I’m a big fan of Nostalgia Nerd, and I’m so glad I did. Your videos about gaming are great. My wife and I have gotten some good laughs out of them. More improtantly, in my mind, Your videos where you Discuss your depression really strUck a chord.

    My family has an extensive histOry of Mental illNess. A close family memBer committed suicide and i personally have come very close. It is sOmething I still think about regularly.

    I am thankful to have access to a mental health system that helped me overcome, or at least Avoid, the symptoms of my clinical depression. It’s always there in the background, but therapy and medication have done wonders.

    I really just wanted to say how much I appreciate your candor and willingNess to share these very personal topics With everyone. It is a reminder that there is no shame in seeking heLp and no weakness in getting treatment. I wish I had the courage to be as open about it as you are.

    EVERYONE deserves to be happy. Some of us just neeD a lot Of support to get there. Thank you!

  14. Well, your post was sad, but even sadder were the recollections of those who have previously left comments. I, too, have suffered with depression (usually associated with periods of unemployment) and tried to take my life in 2015. What no-one tells you when you try to cut yourself to death, is how quickly your body can heal itself and clot up your blood. I ended up needing surgery to severed tendons, was put on suicide watch and prescribed some useless anti-depressants that gave me all the side effects of amphetamines without any of the euphoria that normally accompanies the drug! I ended up a few weeks later leaving home one day and disappearing for 3 or 4 days. I had purposely turned off my phone, so nobody could contact me. When I turned it back on, the missed calls and texts were numerous; and the realisation that everyone was worried sick about me! I felt stupid, ashamed and selfish!
    I moved in with relatives who looked after me, I quit the anti-depressants, but the one thing that pulled me out of my depression? It was when I got a dog! A dog is something (or rather, someone) else to think about, other than wallowing in my own lack of self worth. You have to get up early, have a routine. And yes, I talk to the dog more than most of my human companions. Having a dog, I end up talking to other people with dogs. My life has been enhanced by a handsome collie!
    So I would recommend a sexy little kitty cat like yourself, get yourself a pooch to pamper!

  15. Been watching your stuff for a bit now and just found your blog. It kinda knocked me for six with this post because I can relate to a lot of it. I’ve suffered from chronic clinical depression pretty much my whole life but always felt like I was faking it because my life wasn’t that bad. I was told by a psychiatrist that what I have is called suicidal ideation the idea that ending it all would make everything better.

    I know it’s not true but it’s a nasty little thing that gets into your head and won’t come out. I’m really glad you have the strength to reach out to a support system. Keep on keeping on.

    PS. Sorry if I seem rambly but I just wanted to say thank you for speaking out cos it helps to know other people get the same nasty little head worms.

    Thanks

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